Instructions, Y’all

After Christmas, we bought the kids a mini trampoline. Yeah, go ahead and judge. We’re living in a little townhouse in the winter and they can’t go out and play. They’ve got to burn some energy somehow. And it’s fun. Seriously.

(This is not the exact one we bought, but I had to get a picture from somewhere – Amazon, of course.)

But I couldn’t get over the instructions that came with the trampoline. And I had to share them. You can read them first, or just read along with the commentary below. You know there’s commentary. Why else would they be here?

First, This is a list of 19 instructions. For a mini trampoline. I’ve never seen anybody who needed more than one instruction for a trampoline: jump! And couldn’t they think of one more to round it up to an even 20? Nevertheless, here they are.

1. No somersaults? What about flips? Are those ok? Because only fancy people do somersaults. Also, I think if you can do a somersault on this tiny thing, you’re freaking awesome.

2. Wait. You mean we can’t have a rave on this thing? It’s 3 feet wide. C’mon.

3. Notice this doesn’t say “adult” supervision.

4. Not for kids under 6? Busted. Also? I’m pretty sure I played on one of these things my entire childhood.

5. Be sure to inspect this baby…all the trampoline vandals out there might get you.

6. Climb? Climb onto this thing. Ok. Is it alright if I just step onto it? ‘Cause I could do that. And I’m pretty sure I’ve used it as a springboard at least a couple times. When the kids weren’t watching, of course.

7. I sure am glad they waited until number seven to tell us how to stop bouncing. Because, that might be important information.

8. Fundamental bounces and body positions. I wasn’t aware there were “fundamental bounces and body positions.” It’s called jumping. Up and down. It’s not that hard, folks.

9. Too high? Is it possible to bounce too high on a trampoline, especially one of these? Don’t answer that.

10. Really? You’re telling me how to hold my head up? Also, how in the world am I supposed to keep my head up but look at the perimeter of the trampoline, which is near my feet? Apparently their eyes don’t work like mine.

11. Really? Now you’re calling it a bed? And any kid who’s ever jumped on a bed knows you jump in the middle. Next.

12. Don’t bounce when you’re tired. Because you know, you…might get more tired? I don’t understand. Am I going to fall asleep while bouncing up and down?

13. Secure it against unauthorized use. Because there are so many people trying to break into your house and use your mini-tramp.

14. I won’t even begin to talk about the use of “which” here, which I think may or may not be correct. I’m not sure what kind of “objects” they’re referring to, really. What objects would interfere with your trampoline performance?

15. Don’t jump drunk.

16. “…because we sure as heck don’t know anything.”

17. Skills. They’re important. Like nunchuck skills. And is there really a trainer certification for teaching people how to bounce up and down on a stretchy thing with springs?

18. Don’t use it when wet or windy. Because you might blow off? Also, why would anyone have this thing outside? If your cardio workout didn’t kill you, you’d die from embarrassment.

19. Last but not least, DON’T FORGET TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS. I’m so glad they told us this at the beginning…wait. Did I just get tricked into reading instructions?

So what do you think of these instructions? What would you add as the 20th?