Monday, August 06, 2012

If Life Was Like Cartoons

We watch cartoons. Some days, we watch many cartoons. Some days, we watch way too many cartoons. Caedmon loves cartoons. I love some of them. Others, I have a special place of loathing for in my heart don’t care for at all.

As I was watching cartoons with Caedmon the other morning, I began to wonder what things would be like if our life was actually like the cartoons we watch.

Special Agent Oso: I would constantly ask/allow my kid to try to do things he doesn’t know how to do, and leave him unattended with no instruction in how to complete the task. There would be a spying electronic ladybug in the house that watches for just that particular moment so it could report my horrible parenting to a stuffed bear. Creepy.

When said stuffed bear shows up in my house, instructing my child in how to accomplish a task he, himself doesn’t know how to do in three special steps, I would think nothing of it and leave them alone together. I wouldn’t hang around long enough to find out that my kid was smarter than the bear who was supposed to be helping him. Also? My kid would learn that mistakes are never to be admitted, but declared to be a “part of the plan.”

Can you tell I’m not a fan of the “unique, stuffed bear”?

Mickey Mouse Clubhouse: I don’t even know where to start with this one. I don’t understand how sometimes Pete and Willy the Giant are their friends and sometimes they’re not. I mean, how can you go from being afraid of a guy one episode to agreeing to feed his giant chickens the next? It just doesn’t make sense. They are not Junior High girls. If they were, it’s make total sense. Also, Toodles? Creeps me out a little. Even more so now that he has a face and talks. You’d think that would make things better. It didn’t. And just once, I want the Mystery Mouseketool to be something completely, utterly useless. Because that’s exactly how things work at our house some days.

Max and Ruby: Apparently, if our life were like this one, I wouldn’t be present. Or possibly even exist. My kid would also only say one word a day. And the obsession with bunny scouts would drive me insane. If, you know, I existed. And I’d have to tell Mrs. H to give the baby a name already.

Jake and the Neverland Pirates: Again, I wouldn’t even exist. But I have to wonder about a grown man who is constantly outwitted by three children.

Curious George: I’ve watched a lot of Curious George in my day. And I’ve yet to figure out what The Man With the Yellow Hat actually does. But George? He does whatever he wants. Sometimes I actually do feel like the Yellow Hat Man – always busy but never actually doing anything. And I also feel as though my kids might as well be speaking monkey for all the good our communication does some days.

Kick Buttowski: First, I’d have to change my name. And not allow my son to be called “Kick” when I named him Clarence. Also, I’d wonder why I named my kid “Clarence.” And make him wear something besides a white jumpsuit and helmet. Also? I’d make Brad take a shower.

Phineas and Ferb: Quite possibly my favorite cartoon on TV. And as the Mom, I’d always have plausible deniability. Which is important. Because, you know, one of those plans might backfire one day. And I’d make a lot of pie and have lots of extracurricular activities. Also, I don’t think Oz could handle the secret agent gig. It would cut into his sleeping time too much.

If our life were turned into a cartoon, it’d be pretty boring. Cereal bar or banana and Cheerios for breakfast? Grocery shopping. Vacuum and dust. Fold laundry. Naptime. Roomtime.  Lunch. Play outside. Get the mail. Watch cartoons. I suppose it’s a good thing we can live vicariously through our animated friends. I don’t think we could take the excitement.

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