You Moving To Hawaii Is My Dream too!

Since I’ve been spending more time at home lately, I thought it was time for an update about the neighborhood. So here goes.

I’m starting to think Newman has abandoned us. Or retired. Or finally got that promotion to Hawaii. He hasn’t been around in a few weeks.

Coincidentally, we’ve gotten our mail every single day.

I’ve seen a few different mail carriers delivering our mail lately, but the one I see the most is a lady in a Jeep. As long as they actually deliver my mail (to me) and don’t tear up my mailbox, they’re already ahead of the curve.

Speaking of moving to Hawaii, our new neighbor is *halfway* there. It seems there’s one rental house left at the end of our street. And the person who recently moved in drives this car. (And the picture is so bad because I took it with my phone while driving by. I didn’t want to look like a freak.)

Yeah. I wish you could actually call the police on people for being tacky.

This is probably the strangest car I’ve ever seen in my life. Obviously there’s the color. Which is kind of unique to begin with. But when put on a Mercury Grand Marquis? Super bizarre. Also the lettering on the back window – not all that uncommon around here but I can barely read it…and it’s in English. It says “Benjamin,” which is just weird. Have you even known a Benjamin to drive a car like this? Or, if he was the type of guy to drive a car like this, would he actually go by his full name? No, I would expect him to be just “Ben.” Then there’s the trailer hitch on the back, which is hard to see in this picture. I can’t even describe how weird that is. There are marks on the driveway from where it’s scraped as he’s backed out.

I don’t even know what else to say about Benjamin’s green Marquis. So I’ll move on. I’m just glad I don’t know what the inside of that house looks like, because with that kind of taste in color, I’m honestly afraid.

The guy who lives next door at Party People’s house must’ve gotten a new job. Because lately a truck loaded with construction equipment and supplies pulling a trailer comes by their house in the mornings. He turns around in the cul-de-sac, pulls up in between their house and mine and honks. The other day when Caedmon actually slept late (until 8am), this guy pulled up and honked. My child was asleep. I nearly went through the window to strangle the guy. Seriously? Don’t pull up in front of my house and honk ever, but especially when my non-sleeping kid is actually asleep. Because that time in the morning? It’s precious. More precious than your buddy knowing you’re sitting outside his house. He has a window. Let him look out. Or call him. Or, I don’t know, set a time and ya’ll both adhere to it. Whatever the solution is, honking in front of my house in the morning is not it.

There’s also a guy who walks around our neighborhood almost daily. Sometimes twice. And it’s a free country. He’s allowed. But there are several things that make it a bit off-putting to me.

First, he’s probably in his 30’s, balding, with a beard and seems to be in decent shape. He’s not scraggly looking or anything like that – he looks well kept and you know, like he showers regularly and stuff. So he probably doesn’t live in his Mom’s basement. (Or spare bedroom. Houses in our neighborhood don’t have basements.)

Second, he walks the ‘hood when most people are at work. Like, mid-morning or early afternoon.

Third, he wears almost exactly the same thing every single day. Black track pants, black sweatshirt or long sleeve shirt. White sneakers. I can understand having your favorite workout clothes. But seriously, every day he wears black. All black. Except that sometimes the track pants have white stripes down the side. Sometimes the shirt has writing on it. So it’s not that he’s putting on the same “workout” clothes every day. It’s that his entire wardrobe must consist of all black.

Fourth, and quite possibly the strangest part, is that he’s not working out. He’s not power walking. He doesn’t have a dog with him. He’s leisurely strolling. As in, if I were pushing a stroller though the mall, I’d totally get miffed if I got stuck behind this guy. He’d get run over at Walmart. You remember the Tortoise and the Hare? The Tortoise would leave this guy in the dust.

I’ve been outside before when he’s walked by. He’s been polite enough. And it’s not that the guy himself is weird because honestly if I saw him jogging or walking a dog, I probably would think nothing of it. It’s the conglomeration of things that makes him weird.

I’ve wondered if I should report Slow Walker to the police. But what would I say? “Hey, there’s this guy who most likely lives in my neighborhood and walks extremely slowly down the sidewalk every day.”? They’d laugh and think I was the one who was weird.

I’ve thought about getting in the car and trying to figure out where he lives. But I’d have to wait a sweet forever after he walked by my house to hop in and drive around or else I’d look like a stalker. And then that makes me the neighborhood weirdo.

Which I might be, I just don’t want anyone else to know.