Friday, April 09, 2010

An Open Letter

Dear Candymakers,

First, I would like to take the opportunity to offer my thanks for your delightful confections. My life would not be the same without Whoppers or the chocolate and peanut butter combination. And who can forget the wonder of a frozen Snickers or M & M’s? You do many things well.

However, I would like to ask something of you. If it’s not too much, if you think you can handle it, and it might be a good thing for people besides me, start making stuff that actually fits into Easter eggs.

Oh, there’s lots of foil-wrapped chocolate out there that will fit into the eggs. Kisses. Eggs. Do you realize how complicated that makes life when you have a 2 year-old? Because the foil, it does not peel off so well when you’re two. And allowing anyone to help you is just not an option.

But even the fun size packages of M & M’s, Skittles, etc. are just a teensy bit too big for an egg, and cause it to burst open at inopportune times. Smarties are too long, evidenced by the fact that I un-rolled my son’s, removed about 4 candies, then rolled them back up and stuffed them in his eggs. Why? Because I was tired of the foil-wrapped chocolate. Seriously, I felt like I was cutting drugs or something.

And? Please lay off mixing the peanut butter stuff in with the regular stuff. We are not allowed to take peanut products or anything that remotely resembles, or has been close to a peanut product to our kids’ schools these days. Help some Moms out and keep the peanut stuff in separate bags at the opposite end of the aisle so our children don’t get their heart set on taking Reese’s eggs to school and have their dreams crushed because someone might be allergic.

What’s wrong with Jelly Beans? They are an Easter staple, yet children are prejudiced against them because they’re not offered in single-serve packages. (Husband is already teaching Caedmon the dangers of the “community candy bowl” – shudder.) If you’re a brave soul that will put them in the egg all willy-nilly, you must be on guard for when the kid opens the egg, scatters the jelly beans everywhere, then attempts to pick them up off the ground and eat them.

Even better, please stop your conspiring with weight-loss and exercise equipment companies to sell candy in bags so big, there will be some left over for months after the holiday has long passed. You know Mom will eat chocolate in a moment of weakness, even if it’s not especially good or on the eating plan for that day.

If all of that is just a bit too much, at least put on the package “This product fits into plastic eggs” or some PR-approved version of that statement. Because then you won’t end up with a lot of tube-less Smarties.


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1 comment:

  1. So who do you know that does "candy". We have to have a significant vendor in NWA. Someone needs to forward this rant to someone who can do something "real" about it. We will all benefit next Easter when we can buy Easter Egg Sized Individually Wrapped Non-Peanut/Non-chocolate Candy.