Intervention, Part 2

"This is an Intervention."

As that first slide appeared on the screen, I knew we were in for it. My mind flashed to the commercials I've seen about A&E's show titled Intervention. Surely we would not all end up sitting in a corner rocking back and forth, crying, screaming that we just weren't ready to give up speeding.

I prepared myself with pen and paper. Not for actual note-taking. Well, sort of. I had to remember all the crazy details so I could relate them to you. Because what good is a day of agony if I can't share it?

The first 15 minutes were spent with our instructor introducing himself, telling us about 17 times that he's been in law enforcement for 30 years and has been teaching Defensive Driving classes for 25 years. And he believes it works, doggone it.

Nothing like a fresh perspective.

Oh, and that we all needed this intervention because we have bad attitudes and must be terrible drivers. Otherwise we wouldn't be in his class. It's so nice to feel loved. And not stereotyped at all.

The rest of the morning was slide after horrid slide of sometimes barely readable statistics smattered with 1980's clip art and kitchy, standard Power Point sound effects. Every time he clicked a slide, it reminded me of the old school, "When you hear the chimes, turn the page" cassettes and story books I had as a kid.

I had to do something to make me look like I was paying attention. So I began counting how many times he said the phrase, "...and things of that nature." For the record, it was a good twenty times, just before lunch. In another time and place, it would've made an excellent drinking game. Not that I would condone something like that. I'm just sayin'.

So here's what was said in the morning session, the condensed version, of course:
* People are stupid.
* We were stupid because we had gotten a ticket.
* Traffic accidents are not "accidents." They are caused by stupid people.
* We would have our lives RURNT, just RURNT by stupidity.
* Obviously, none of us had any common sense, because nobody did anymore.

Profound, huh? And like I said before, not stereotyping at all.

After an all-too short lunch break, all 83 of us clambored back into the most uncomfortable benches in the universe. I say all 83 of us because two guys skipped out, apparently unaware our instructor would be calling roll after lunch. Now they were stupid.

The afternoon consisted of about a dozen more "things of this natures" and quite a few "needles to says" as he talked about deer crossings, speeding, seatbelts, drugs, alcohol, and road rage. Accompanied, of course, with his Power Point slides that looked and sounded as if they were made for a third grade class project.

Ah, my favorite part of the class - the road rage lecture.

As our instructor recounted several road rage incedents where shootings were involved, the girl on the end of our row raised her hand. She'd told us earlier she was from New York City and didn't really understand all the "backwoods" laws in our precious state.

With a bit of trepidation in her voice, she said, "I guess because I'm new here I don't know what's up. But does everybody here carry a gun in their car?"

Simultaneously, everyone in the room burst into laughter. Our instructor explained that while civilization had indeed come to our corner of the state, many people still carried their weapons in their vehicles. And she should remember they had the right to do so, according to the Supreme Court's ruling this past week. He also reassured her by saying that while we do have a propensity to carry guns around here, "we're not as bad as Texas."

Besides, don't all the cabbies in NYC pack heat? Not that I'm stereotyping.

I do have to give Mr. Defensive Driving props, though. He said we'd get out early, and we did. And by some random stroke of luck (or the grace of God), I was the first person to be dismissed, take my certificate of completion, and leave.

Yeah, that's right. We got certificates. Jealous?

All in all, it wasn't a completely horrible experience. I do wish I had learned something. I hate to think that I sat there that entire time and didn't learn anything. I had hoped for a bit more practical application - something a little deeper than, "Don't speed. Wear your seatbelt. Don't drink and drive."

Wait, I did learn something. The next time Deputy Guy offers to try to get me out of a ticket, I should LET HIM.