Guidelines for Action Heroes

Husband and I have been watching some action movies lately, and there seems to be a running theme in each of them. I've written a few observations below. This is not an all-inclusive list by any means, but these are a few of my favorite.

Rule #1: The Action Hero can drive anything, anywhere. Snowmobile, speedboat, dump truck, motorcycle, or tricycle. Not only can he drive random vehicles much faster than they would ever go in real life, he drives them with such expertise one would think he had been training to drive that specific vehicle for his entire life.

Rule #2: There is never a shortage of fast, available vehicles close by, and everyone always leaves their keys in the car with the doors unlocked. I have never seen this myself, but as I am not an Action Hero, I suppose I wouldn't be able to find said vehicles.

Rule #3: The Action Hero can navigate any city on any contient while being chased by a myriad of bad guys. He'll never get lost, even though he's never been in said city before and the bad guys obviously live there.

Rule #4: While backed into a corner with one shot in his gun, the bad guys will unload full clips of ammunition into the area around the Action Hero, but never hit him. As the Action Hero makes a super-human leap across the room, he will shoot his one bullet and hit either the single bad guy, or something that explodes and kills the entire group of bad guys.

Rule #5: Cell phone service and wireless internet access are available anywhere in the world...even when there's no electricity. Oh, and the laptop and cell phone always has plenty of battery power.

Rule #6: The Action Hero has an extensive tear, dirt, and wrinkle-resistant wardrobe. Even if he's been in a Mexican knife fight, drug behind a horse, nearly drowned in a raging river, and shot multiple times, the Action Hero's clothing will still look as if it just came off the rack.

Rule #7: The Action Hero's hair is much like the clothing - always perfect. Even after enduring days of Chinese Water Tourture or going unwashed and unshaven for months, the hair still has a "hero" quality about it.

Rule #8: It does not pay to be a family member of an Action Hero. If there is an Action Hero in your family that is not you, be very afraid. It is likely that you will be kidnapped, held for ransom, tortured, and/or killed in order to motivate the Action Hero to help the Bad Guys.

As I said, I am no Action Hero. But if you are thinking about becoming one, let me know so I can borrow your car, clothes, and then stay far away from you lest I be caught in some sort of hostage situation.