Thursday, May 19, 2005

SPAM - not the canned kind

Like many technology junkies, I have several email addresses. One for work, one for home, and various web based email addresses. Inevitably, no matter how much I guard them, I start getting SPAM at each of them. For those of you who have been living on canned Spam in a cave, the SPAM to which I refer is basically junk mail for your computer. And just like the junk mail that is delivered by your friendly neighborhood postal worker, I’ve come to the realization that SPAM is not going away, no matter how much you strive to rid yourself of it. Even the all-powerful Techno Guy at the office can’t even get our SPAM filter to block all of it. What would happen if we were to give in to the SPAM?

After a one-day hiatus from my home email, I checked it to make sure there were no urgent messages. As my virus scan was working to scan each and every incoming message, I grew impatient waiting for it to all come in. In a matter of seconds, I had 70 (yes, seventy) new, unread messages. Scrolling through, I found 2, count ‘em, TWO that I actually should have received. The other 68 were SPAM.

What kind of SPAM, you say? I’m glad you asked.

Suffice it to say that if I were suddenly unemployed, I would have no problem finding a new job or starting my own business. And, I could lower my mortgage payments in the meantime, freeing up that much needed cash flow. I have also been approved for numerous credit cards, student loans, and personal lines of credit that I didn’t even know I needed, much less applied for. That’ll sure help while I’m working on that start-up business from home that can make me up to $10,000 a month. I could do anything from stuff envelopes, take online surveys, or push vitamins to my friends, who must be looking rather pale and sickly lately. I also find it comforting to know that I could lose 25 pounds without exercising if I will just take Jose’s magic pills. I can purchase various prescription drugs for cheap too - which will come in handy if I become depressed about the new home business and decide to become a white-collar junkie. That would sort of negate looking up all of those long lost friends from high school, so we can go ahead and delete that message. But, once my $10k/month business takes off, it’s great to know that I can buy timeshares anywhere in the world or waterfront property in Costa Rica. Of course, I’ll cruise down there on the best deal of the century from XYZ Cruise line. Ha! Now there’s no need for that phony diploma from a fake university, or even a real one from that online school. Let’s go find that deleted “find your high school friends” message and call them to rub it in…with my brand new cell phone that has a million anytime minutes and works with the speaker system in my brand new car, purchased of course, with a pre-approved loan from the online car sales place.

So now I’m all skinny thanks to Jose’s magic pills, driving around town yakking on the speaker phone in my brand new car that I’m paying for with the cash flow I freed up by refinancing my mortgage, making plans to head down to my Costa Rican property for a couple weeks so I can push some vitamins at the locals.

*screeching halt sound*

What’s that? It’ll never happen, you say? You’re just mad because you’re not as skinny, rich, or successful as me. I’ll give Jose your email address. Pin It


  1. Anonymous12:41 PM

    I do the spam filtering for my company, which involves sorting through about 100 messages a day that get forwarded to the IT department, reading through them all and then submitting them to our spam filter.

    It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it!


  2. I'm glad you take care of it for those people. Our poor guy gets my stuff forwarded to him with an obnoxious "SPAM!!" in the subject line. :)

  3. Just for the record I don't think you need Jose's Magic Pills ;-)

    I'm going to hide from Chris now...